2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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