im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
