hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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