So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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