I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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