We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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