remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
