based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
