I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize