Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
