Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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