life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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