so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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