Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
