if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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