You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
