wakey wakey hands off snakey
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
