the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize