hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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