Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
