I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
