i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
