either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
