really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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