obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
