One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
