conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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