it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
