It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
