Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
