so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
