Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
