Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
