EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
