When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My vagina just clenched in fear
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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