true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
