Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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