At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
