I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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