You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
