this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize
