happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
