i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
