just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
