so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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