o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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