Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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