You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
