so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
