I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
