no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
