ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
