my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
