You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
