we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
