from now on my penis is your penis
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
