your room smells of hookers.
And success
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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