Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I've blown a few things in my day
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
They have beer where we have blood.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
