i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
