I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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